Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Post-Op Follow Up
Well, all is healing well and I no longer need to keep my incisions covered with bandages. He said that he removed A THIRD of each of my ovaries!! One thing he didn't tell Joe on surgery day was that my left ovary had some scar tissue that was ahering it to my sigmoid colon....which was indicative of maybe an old infection....or the start of endo. But he really didn't feel it was endo. He wants to see me again in 4 weeks for a pelvic exam and to make sure my cervix is patent. (He's gonna stick a q-tip in it.....and that makes me think that might be something that will make me want to kick him in the head! LOL) But until then.....I just wait. He wants to see if I will have AF / ovulate / concieve all on my own. Oh, and I can resume BD in the next week! As soon as I feel like I want to. He talked most about my tilted uterus. I knew I had that but never thought it was a big deal....thought it was pretty common. But he seemed kinda bothered by it. He mentioned if I don't have AF or O on my own possibly going back in and removing MORE of my ovaries! So...that's my "big" update. LOL!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Surgery update!
Ok, here is my surgery update. I had to be at the hosp at 7 AM. DH and I sat in the waiting room until they finally called me back to pre-op holding to get ready at like 7:45 AM. DH wasn’t allowed to come with me. The nurse in pre-op had me get undressed and change into a gown. And then crawl into bed. She hooked me up to all the monitors, started my IV and put those blow up things on my legs to prevent blood clots. After she had me all ready she called the waiting room and had them send DH back. Then the anesthesiologist came to talk to me and ask me a bunch of questions and explain what he would be doing. I asked him if I would have a tube down my throat and tape over my eyes….yes and yes. I always thought that was creepy. LOL! Then, my Dr. came to see me and ask me if I was ok or had any last minute questions. He talked to DH about what kind of pain control would be best after surgery….I think because the nurse had already given me some loopy meds in my IV. This is where things started getting fuzzy. Shortly after that, they wheeled me back to the OR. DH got to walk part of the way before they sent him back to the waiting room. In the OR, I remember them having me scoot off the bed and onto a narrow table/bed. And then I remember them talking to me about what was I going to dream about…..then I lifted up my hand that the IV was in and looked at it because it burned and the nurse that was rubbing my arm and looking comforting at me told the anesthesiologist that I must have felt that medicine…..and then I was GONE! I woke up in phase 1 recovery. As soon as I opened my eyes I saw my nurse and I am such a DORK! The first words out of my mouth were, “My noonie hurts.” LMAO!! She smiled and said, “I’ll get you some pain medicine sweetie.” Something went a little crazy at that point because I started hyperventilating or something. I got real dizzy and I remember the nurse calling the anesthesia Dr. STAT! And then she gave me a breathing treatment and the anesthesia Dr. came in with x-ray people and they took chest x-rays. He put some more “wake up” medicine in my IV and I started feeling A LOT better within about 10 minutes. I never heard anything else of the chest x-ray so I guess all was good there?? Shortly after all that they moved me to phase 2 recovery. That is where I FINALLY got to see DH again! They gave me graham crackers and juice and told me as soon as I ate those and peed that I could go home. That was at about noon. I ate the crackers, no problem. Drank about 3 glasses of juice, no problem. Couldn’t pee, couldn’t pee, couldn’t pee. Finally, at 2:30 pm I was starting to get really frustrated and upset so the nurse hung another IV bag and ran it wide open! Laid a catheter kit by me and said I had a ½ hour to pee or else…. I managed to pee at 3 pm on the dot! LOL!! I was in a lot of pain and very dizzy but I was VERY ready to come home and lay in my own chair with my own blankets and such.
DH said that after my surgery was over and I was in phase 1 recovery the Dr. sent for him to come to a conference room. That REALLY freaked him out because all the other Dr.’s were just coming and talking to the families in the waiting room. But I guess it was no biggie and he was just being more private because he didn’t have any bad news. He said that he was able to dilate my cervix to 16??? Which was GREAT! And no endometriosis. My tubes were clear. The only problem was….he had planned on doing ovarian drilling but when he got in there my ovaries were HUGE! So, he had to do a wedge resection instead. I haven’t been able to talk to him about what all that means. I am supposed to schedule an appt. to see him this week.
I am on Vicodin every 4 hours……I actually need it about every 3. The incisions hurt any time I try to sit down or stand up and my cervix and ovaries are pretty owie all the time. I don’t have ANY of that shoulder gas pain everyone talks about. And I spotted a little yesterday and NO bleeding today. Other than that….I am just sooooo sleepy. I’ve only been awake every 2-3 hours for about 30 min to 1 hr increments.
Sorry this got so long….I tried to be as detailed as possible because I know people who have procedures and surgeries and things coming up like to read other people’s experiences/stories so they have an idea of what to expect. ;) Thank you all for your thoughts and well wishes! I am hoping to go back to work Monday morning. I’ll update y’all when I have my follow up appt and find out when I get to TTC again!
DH said that after my surgery was over and I was in phase 1 recovery the Dr. sent for him to come to a conference room. That REALLY freaked him out because all the other Dr.’s were just coming and talking to the families in the waiting room. But I guess it was no biggie and he was just being more private because he didn’t have any bad news. He said that he was able to dilate my cervix to 16??? Which was GREAT! And no endometriosis. My tubes were clear. The only problem was….he had planned on doing ovarian drilling but when he got in there my ovaries were HUGE! So, he had to do a wedge resection instead. I haven’t been able to talk to him about what all that means. I am supposed to schedule an appt. to see him this week.
I am on Vicodin every 4 hours……I actually need it about every 3. The incisions hurt any time I try to sit down or stand up and my cervix and ovaries are pretty owie all the time. I don’t have ANY of that shoulder gas pain everyone talks about. And I spotted a little yesterday and NO bleeding today. Other than that….I am just sooooo sleepy. I’ve only been awake every 2-3 hours for about 30 min to 1 hr increments.
Sorry this got so long….I tried to be as detailed as possible because I know people who have procedures and surgeries and things coming up like to read other people’s experiences/stories so they have an idea of what to expect. ;) Thank you all for your thoughts and well wishes! I am hoping to go back to work Monday morning. I’ll update y’all when I have my follow up appt and find out when I get to TTC again!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
No HSG for me.....AGAIN!
I started spotting again yesterday!! I was SO MAD!!! (Remember, my last HSG was cancelled because I started bleeding the DAY OF!) Well, it was just a TINY bit of spotting this AM so I went ahead and went over to the hosp. and figured I would just ask them there if they still wanted to do it today or if I would need to reschedule AGAIN!
Hold up....back story.... LOL! Two years ago I had to have a LEEP done for an abnormal pap. Well, I was one of the rare few that ended up hemorraging a week later and ended up spending a week in the hospital on IV ATB and Morphine!!! Ever since then whenever I DO have AF it is so excrutiatingly painful that I am on Percocet. What happens is that I cramp REALLY REALLY HARD and I have all this pressure on my cervix (feels like I am in labor and I have that overwhelming need to push) but yet I don't bleed AT ALL! Wierd right?!?! Well, I have been telling Dr.'s for TWO YEARS that I think there is scar tissue in my cervix and that is "blocking" the blood from coming out and that is why I am in so much pain. I have had pelvic exams and u/s's out the wazoo and they all say the same thing....."Nope...your cervix looks great! No reason you shouldn't have AF like any other girl." and then they send me on my way.
Ok....back to today. LOL! So, they say that they don't think a little bit of spotting is worth cancelling over and go ahead and get me all ready for the Dr. to come in and do his thing. He comes in and inserts the speculum and starts to insert the cathetar and I about came unglued!! I started crying! It felt like someone was ripping my insides out! He attempted a few more times with the cathetar and you could tell him and the radiologist were really puzzeled. He said, "Sweetie, this part shouldn't hurt that bad and we are having a really hard time getting the cathetar in. I am so sorry!!" He tried to open up my cervix a little and then he goes, "OH! THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" and the radiologist goes over and looks up my cooch with him and says, "Ohhhh! Now it makes sense!" What? What makes sense?? My Dr. said, "Sweetie, I can only get the cathetar in about 1/4 - 1/2 of an inch....your cervix is totally closed with scar tissue!!" NO SHIT?!?!?! I explained to him what had happened with the LEEP and with my periods since then and he said, "Now it makes TOTAL sense!" (Btw...he is my new Dr. so he wasn't aware of all the other Dr.'s blowing me off about this before.) So, we weren't able to do the HSG today but I feel SO GOOD that FINALLY what I have been saying for 2 years now has been VALIDATED! And I am NOT crazy! Damn, I wish Dr.'s would listen to us when we KNOW what is going on with our own bodies!
So, here's the new plan... He wants to schedule surgery for next Friday...yea, Friday the 13th....LOL! He is going to do everything all at once.....dilate my cervix and clear out the scar tissue....look around for endometriosis and clear that out if there is any....do the HSG.....and ovarian drilling! All under the wonderful comfort of SLEEP! ;-)
I am so happy to have validation and such a great new plan!! And I only have to wait a week! He wants to do it ASAP before I have a chance for AF to come and hurt me again! LOL! YAY!!
Hold up....back story.... LOL! Two years ago I had to have a LEEP done for an abnormal pap. Well, I was one of the rare few that ended up hemorraging a week later and ended up spending a week in the hospital on IV ATB and Morphine!!! Ever since then whenever I DO have AF it is so excrutiatingly painful that I am on Percocet. What happens is that I cramp REALLY REALLY HARD and I have all this pressure on my cervix (feels like I am in labor and I have that overwhelming need to push) but yet I don't bleed AT ALL! Wierd right?!?! Well, I have been telling Dr.'s for TWO YEARS that I think there is scar tissue in my cervix and that is "blocking" the blood from coming out and that is why I am in so much pain. I have had pelvic exams and u/s's out the wazoo and they all say the same thing....."Nope...your cervix looks great! No reason you shouldn't have AF like any other girl." and then they send me on my way.
Ok....back to today. LOL! So, they say that they don't think a little bit of spotting is worth cancelling over and go ahead and get me all ready for the Dr. to come in and do his thing. He comes in and inserts the speculum and starts to insert the cathetar and I about came unglued!! I started crying! It felt like someone was ripping my insides out! He attempted a few more times with the cathetar and you could tell him and the radiologist were really puzzeled. He said, "Sweetie, this part shouldn't hurt that bad and we are having a really hard time getting the cathetar in. I am so sorry!!" He tried to open up my cervix a little and then he goes, "OH! THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" and the radiologist goes over and looks up my cooch with him and says, "Ohhhh! Now it makes sense!" What? What makes sense?? My Dr. said, "Sweetie, I can only get the cathetar in about 1/4 - 1/2 of an inch....your cervix is totally closed with scar tissue!!" NO SHIT?!?!?! I explained to him what had happened with the LEEP and with my periods since then and he said, "Now it makes TOTAL sense!" (Btw...he is my new Dr. so he wasn't aware of all the other Dr.'s blowing me off about this before.) So, we weren't able to do the HSG today but I feel SO GOOD that FINALLY what I have been saying for 2 years now has been VALIDATED! And I am NOT crazy! Damn, I wish Dr.'s would listen to us when we KNOW what is going on with our own bodies!
So, here's the new plan... He wants to schedule surgery for next Friday...yea, Friday the 13th....LOL! He is going to do everything all at once.....dilate my cervix and clear out the scar tissue....look around for endometriosis and clear that out if there is any....do the HSG.....and ovarian drilling! All under the wonderful comfort of SLEEP! ;-)
I am so happy to have validation and such a great new plan!! And I only have to wait a week! He wants to do it ASAP before I have a chance for AF to come and hurt me again! LOL! YAY!!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Why you don't post incomplete news....
Ok....I've been sick since my last post so I haven't had a chance to update.....so here is what has happened since "Oh Happy Day" LOL
Debbie (from the Dr's office) called me back at about 1:30 - 2:00 PM (after faxing me the SA results) and said that the lab had just called Chelsea (another girl in the office) and said that they are sending over a new “result” for it and all it says is that it has to be repeated and that THIS new report supersedes any and all previous reports. Debbie has no clue why they are saying this and they didn’t tell Chelsea. Debbie says she is going to call the lab and ask and call me back.
At about 2:45 PM Dr. himself called. He said that the total count was low (low being 23 MILLION in 2 cc’s of specimen) and that is partly because the sample was little and the sample was little because of the method of collection. He would prefer to see ATLEAST 3 cc’s to feel it is an accurate analysis. He said the sperm that ARE there are “GREAT” just that it would be better to have MORE. He said that it is likely if we can get me to ovulate that we COULD conceive naturally (keeping in mind that it only takes ONE sperm) but if we confirm I ovulate and time BD appropriately for 3 - 4 months with no conception…..then he recommends IUI (and he can do this…no RE). He said that it is HIGHLY likely if we collect under better circumstances (no lab screw ups) that those counts will improve and he would like to repeat it in 2 weeks. If counts still come back low it is very probable that there is a tube slightly twisted or a varicose vein pressing on a tube….both VERY easily diagnosed and corrected. THEN, after all that, I asked him what about what the lab was saying about it having to be repeated and that superseding any and all results sent before??? He said he was not aware of that, that he called me first thing after walking through the door and no one had told him about that. Now he needs to go find out what that is all about and he will call me back.
Well, he nor Debbie ever called me back and at this point I was tired of worrying about it...especially if the results that we did have were "worst case scenario" so I figured I would just wait until my appt. today (Monday 3/2) to find out. So, I went to my appt. today and they said they never found out what the problem was. Grrrr. He wants us just to repeat the SA anyway to see what kind of results we get this time. And nothing much else to report. My HSG is this Thursday and then I have another appt. scheduled with him next Wednesday. I am HOPING that THAT is the appt. I will finally get my scripts for Provera and Femara!!! (as long as I have pretty tubes) Oh, I did find out, tho, that OB/GYN's aren't allowed to prescribe/give HCG triggers anymore. You have to be "certified in fertility treatment"....AKA an RE. Grrrr. But I am not too worried about that.....I may not even need it.
Debbie (from the Dr's office) called me back at about 1:30 - 2:00 PM (after faxing me the SA results) and said that the lab had just called Chelsea (another girl in the office) and said that they are sending over a new “result” for it and all it says is that it has to be repeated and that THIS new report supersedes any and all previous reports. Debbie has no clue why they are saying this and they didn’t tell Chelsea. Debbie says she is going to call the lab and ask and call me back.
At about 2:45 PM Dr. himself called. He said that the total count was low (low being 23 MILLION in 2 cc’s of specimen) and that is partly because the sample was little and the sample was little because of the method of collection. He would prefer to see ATLEAST 3 cc’s to feel it is an accurate analysis. He said the sperm that ARE there are “GREAT” just that it would be better to have MORE. He said that it is likely if we can get me to ovulate that we COULD conceive naturally (keeping in mind that it only takes ONE sperm) but if we confirm I ovulate and time BD appropriately for 3 - 4 months with no conception…..then he recommends IUI (and he can do this…no RE). He said that it is HIGHLY likely if we collect under better circumstances (no lab screw ups) that those counts will improve and he would like to repeat it in 2 weeks. If counts still come back low it is very probable that there is a tube slightly twisted or a varicose vein pressing on a tube….both VERY easily diagnosed and corrected. THEN, after all that, I asked him what about what the lab was saying about it having to be repeated and that superseding any and all results sent before??? He said he was not aware of that, that he called me first thing after walking through the door and no one had told him about that. Now he needs to go find out what that is all about and he will call me back.
Well, he nor Debbie ever called me back and at this point I was tired of worrying about it...especially if the results that we did have were "worst case scenario" so I figured I would just wait until my appt. today (Monday 3/2) to find out. So, I went to my appt. today and they said they never found out what the problem was. Grrrr. He wants us just to repeat the SA anyway to see what kind of results we get this time. And nothing much else to report. My HSG is this Thursday and then I have another appt. scheduled with him next Wednesday. I am HOPING that THAT is the appt. I will finally get my scripts for Provera and Femara!!! (as long as I have pretty tubes) Oh, I did find out, tho, that OB/GYN's aren't allowed to prescribe/give HCG triggers anymore. You have to be "certified in fertility treatment"....AKA an RE. Grrrr. But I am not too worried about that.....I may not even need it.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Oh Happy Day!!!! (can you hear the church choir singing???)
I have been dragging my feet on posting my new news because I wanted it to be "complete"....but with the past two days events....I can hardly CONTAIN myself!!! So....there is a POSSIBILITY things "could" change from what I "assume" they are right now. But in this moment.....I am absolutely, positively GIDDY! First......I am so excited because my most WONDERFUL, PERFECT, DARLING hubby just called to tell me that he has been working on a surprise for me........he BOUGHT ME A PIANO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been wanting a piano and to take lessons for YEARS! And now I have one of my very own!!! Isn't he the absolute sweetest?!?!?!?! I am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world!
The other thing is..... I called the Dr.'s office AGAIN yesterday afternoon (I still hadn't heard back from them) this time with the excuse that I was calling to see if the results from the SA I had dropped of that morning were back yet. Lucky for me, this time I got put on the phone with another lady.....NOT his nurse.....grrrrrr. And this woman, I have decided, is my new best friend! I, very sweetly, told her that I was calling to see if the SA results were back yet and also that I still needed to reschedule my HSG but that I just hadn't been able to get anyone to return my phone calls. Throughout the rest of the day this woman called me back 4 MORE TIMES working very hard to get my HSG scheduled and tracking down the SA results. The last time she called was JUST to tell me that she knew I was very anxious for the results and that she is checking every 15 minutes or so but it still says they are pending and she just didn't want me to think she had forgotten about me!!!!! WHAT A TURNAROUND from the previous two days!!!!
This morning I called and asked if the results had came back yet. I knew to ask SPECIFICALLY for this woman again....LOL! She said that yes, they were back but that she doesn't know how to read them and I would have to wait until the Dr. came in AFTER 3 PM today for him to call me and interpret them!! UH!!! I sweetly pleaded with her to just fax them to me. Hehehehe! Well, I stalked the fax machine until they came about 15 minutes later. Ummmm, yea.....there's a reason they have you wait until the Dr. can interpret them! I'm a nurse and it's like reading Chinese! BUT.......from my most educated guessing.....they look pretty freakin' good to me!!!! :-)
And THAT is why I said this wouldn't be "complete". I am still waiting on the Dr. to call me with his interpretation........
The other thing is..... I called the Dr.'s office AGAIN yesterday afternoon (I still hadn't heard back from them) this time with the excuse that I was calling to see if the results from the SA I had dropped of that morning were back yet. Lucky for me, this time I got put on the phone with another lady.....NOT his nurse.....grrrrrr. And this woman, I have decided, is my new best friend! I, very sweetly, told her that I was calling to see if the SA results were back yet and also that I still needed to reschedule my HSG but that I just hadn't been able to get anyone to return my phone calls. Throughout the rest of the day this woman called me back 4 MORE TIMES working very hard to get my HSG scheduled and tracking down the SA results. The last time she called was JUST to tell me that she knew I was very anxious for the results and that she is checking every 15 minutes or so but it still says they are pending and she just didn't want me to think she had forgotten about me!!!!! WHAT A TURNAROUND from the previous two days!!!!
This morning I called and asked if the results had came back yet. I knew to ask SPECIFICALLY for this woman again....LOL! She said that yes, they were back but that she doesn't know how to read them and I would have to wait until the Dr. came in AFTER 3 PM today for him to call me and interpret them!! UH!!! I sweetly pleaded with her to just fax them to me. Hehehehe! Well, I stalked the fax machine until they came about 15 minutes later. Ummmm, yea.....there's a reason they have you wait until the Dr. can interpret them! I'm a nurse and it's like reading Chinese! BUT.......from my most educated guessing.....they look pretty freakin' good to me!!!! :-)
And THAT is why I said this wouldn't be "complete". I am still waiting on the Dr. to call me with his interpretation........
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
What you need to know
The first thing I want to say to all of you reading this is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if all the things I am getting ready to say offend you or strike a sore spot. I’m sorry that I am starting this thing off on such a negative note. I don’t even know if I will continue it. But right now, I have A LOT to say and I need somewhere to say it. I don’t know if I will have anything more to say in the future or not…..that remains to be seen. All I am concerned with right now is…..well, NOW….this moment….and the things that I need say right NOW.
I guess I need to reveal to some of you that it has been our intent for the last few months to try to add to our family…..give Joey a sibling. Most of you know we’ve tried this before….for several years….and had to “give up” due to life’s little circumstances. Well, Joe is nearing the end of school and we are to a point that we can see our life returning to normalcy. Joey has been begging for a little brother or sister and Joe and I feel that this is a good time to attempt to make that wish come true for all of us as we are essentially “starting a whole new life” in a few short months.
Here is what I need to say…….
Infertility HURTS! I do not know any comparison that I can give you to explain what it feels like. There is NOTHING you can compare it to. And if you have never gone through it…..please, please don’t tell someone who is that you “understand”. Until you live it…..you will NEVER understand. All I can tell you are these things….. Every day I wake up and feel like a failure….like I am abnormal….like I am not a “real” girl…..like I am letting my husband and son down. I am a failure because no matter what I do, I cannot MAKE my body function “normally”. I am abnormal because my body doesn’t DO the things it was “designed” to do. I am not a “real” girl because I cannot naturally ovulate, have a period or conceive a child. And I am letting my husband and son down because I cannot give them the child/sibling they desire. I am the broken link in the chain. I look at my body in the mirror and wonder where I went wrong? Did I DO something to “break” it? I see physical characteristics that tell me “you are a girl”….but yet my body won’t ACT like a girl. This is VERY confusing.
I live my life cycle day to cycle day. Every morning that I wake up is a number to me. Today is 15. Some cycle days are more important to me than others. Cycle day one…..that’s the day I start my period. To those of us in the “infertile world” this is a day of either naive hope or overwhelming sorrow. Hope because it means the start of a new cycle….a new chance…a window of opportunity….a possibility that THIS will be THE cycle. Sorrow….well that’s obvious…..another cycle has passed that we yet again did not conceive. Cycle day 12ish through 20ish…..those are the days we pray for an egg. I wake up EVERY morning at 6:00 am, 7 days a week, NO MATTER WHAT, to take my temperature…..every day PRAYING for the blessed temperature dip and later sustained rise confirming I did in fact ovulate. For me, this has NEVER happened. I have NEVER seen it. Though month after month, cycle after cycle, I still plot these numbers faithfully and religiously on my chart. I pour over it for hours looking for patterns, looking for signs, looking for…..hope. It’s never there. Cycle day 28.….well, this is the day…..if we were “normal girls” that we would be preparing to take a pregnancy test (or sadly, preparing for our period to start again). Other days are important too…..depending on what you are going through. For those of us taking meds to force our bodies to ovulate….cycle days 3 - 7 or 5 - 9 are pretty exciting. (Yea, I said exciting.) Those are the days we get to take our pills! Our Clomid or Femara……whatever the drug of choice is for that particular cycle. Cycle days 12, 14, 16, etc……..follie checks (we call them)…..these are the days we go for vaginal (yup….up the coochie) ultrasounds to (hopefully) watch our eggies grow! Cycle day 21.….that’s the day we get (yes, GET) to do a blood test to confirm ovulation (or not). Notice the terminology throughout my explanation? Sadly, those of us in the “infertile world” LOOK FORWARD to every needle stick (blood test), every vaginal probing (ultrasounds), every doctor appointment, every phone call with test results, every pill we swallow, every injection we take……. We pee on sticks almost DAILY! Whether it be an ovulation predictor or pregnancy test. And we do this EXCITEDLY! We accost ourselves by personally checking our cervical position and cervical mucous on a daily basis! (I’m sure I don’t need to draw you a picture.) We do all of this happily, excitedly and with great diligence and faithfulness……all in the name of a baby we can only dream of. And every annovulatory cycle…..every negative progesterone draw…..every negative pregnancy test we die a little more inside. We lose a little more hope. We feel a little more like a failure and disappointment to our husbands.
And here is what I need to say to some of you specifically…..
To healthcare providers…. We are NOT numbers. We are not objects that fill a 15 minute slot in your day and add a little more cushion to your bank account. We are human beings just like you! We think, we feel, we hurt and we NEED YOUR HELP! We gladly add that “cushion to your bank account” because we NEED you. We need your knowledge, your education and your prescription pad. And we also need your time and compassion. We feel very isolated by our problems conceiving and we need someone like you who understands what we mean when we say we feel like we are “broken”. Aside from RE’s…..if you are a general practitioner or an OB/GYN……we need you to remember how much time you spent of your 12+ years of medical school on infertility treatment SPECIFICALLY. I have not attended medical school so I cannot say what portion of your education was focused on that. I have, however, been through nursing school and I know that relatively very little time was allotted to each specific disease process. I would venture a guess to be maybe one chapter in a textbook in the middle of your OB/GYN rotation. We need you to remember that those of us in the “infertile world” have researched and studied NOTHING BUT infertility and it’s treatments for as long as we have been infertile. For me, that is 9 years. We read every article we can find on the internet, every book we can get our hands on, we participate in support groups and message boards where we get information from a sampling of thousands of girls seeing thousands of doctors all around the world! We know infertility and it’s treatments like the backs of our hands! I have never been through IVF but I can tell you the medications, protocol, risks, success rates, etc. as though I am reciting my address and phone number. We need you to trust the knowledge we have acquired. WE LIVE INFERTILITY. We also need you to realize and remember that above and beyond ALL ELSE…..we KNOW our bodies. We have lived with them a lifetime. We know every twitch, twinge, cramp, flutter, pain and spasm and of those WE know what is normal for us and what is not. You see “our bodies” in roughly 15 minute increments once or twice a month (if you are seeing us for infertility)…..we live with our bodies 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Trust us when we say we know something is abnormal for our body. Trust us when we suggest something we would like to try. Don’t let us hurt ourselves…..but give the knowledge we have acquired about infertility and the time we have spent with our own bodies the benefit of the doubt. One last thing…. We need you to remember that WE LIVE INFERTILITY…..every day is a cycle day to us. Every day we hope means we are a little closer to holding our precious baby in our hands. Every appointment and test and medication we pray is getting us one step closer to fulfilling our dream. We know you are very busy and you see lots of patients ….but honestly, those patients don’t matter to us in our quest to overcome infertility. When you (or one of your office staff) say you are going to call us to give us a test result or schedule a procedure, etc on a certain day or at a certain time……we are sitting next to the phone staring at it and begging it to ring. Our ENTIRE DAY is centered around awaiting your call. We post on our message boards that we are waiting to hear from you……our friends ask us a hundred times if you have called us yet……we blow off other calls to keep the line clear for you. The entire journey of infertility is all about WAITING…..waiting for a period, waiting to ovulate, waiting to take a pregnancy test, waiting for a procedure, waiting for a doctor appointment, waiting for a test result…..waiting, waiting, waiting……. Please, PLEASE don’t make us wait for a call you (or your staff) is never going to place. If we are supposed to hear from you for whatever reason…..please call (or assign a staff member to call…..and make SURE they do it) as early as possible.
Next, to well-meaning family members and friends of the infertile… I need to tell you the same thing…..those of us in the “infertile world” LIVE INFERTILITY! Do not tell us to “be patient…it will happen in it’s own time or when it is supposed to”. Do not tell us to “quit thinking about it and it will happen”. Do not tell us for the hundredth time the story of your best friend’s sister who went through 10 years of infertility treatments and finally gave up and started the adoption process and whaddya know?!?!? she turned up pregnant!! We are NOT your best friend’s sister and we don’t plan on giving up on conceiving our own child right now. Just “not thinking about it” isn’t going to make my ANNOVULATORY body MIRACULOUSLY ovulate! And as far as being patient…..we are some of THE most patient people you will ever know! (see above message to healthcare providers) All we are ever doing is WAITING. What we need from you is a shoulder to cry on sometimes and for all you to do is pat us on the back and tell us you hurt for us. Don’t tell us you understand…..you don’t. Don’t tell us that for some reason the timing just isn’t right and it will be better some other time. Don’t ask us every other week if we are pregnant yet. Don’t try to convince us when we are angry with our doctors that they know best. We need you to remember that this is a situation in which we have NO control. We have no control over our bodies or how they are functioning. We have no control over WHEN we will get to add to our families. And unless we are one of the lucky one’s with a doctor who LISTENS to us……we get VERY LITTLE control over our treatment. We are going to have bad days…..days when we feel more frustrated or defeated than others. Be patient with us. And when we are upset because a doctor did not call us back when he said he would……remember, to us, that IS devastating. Do not belittle our frustrations and make us feel as though we are making mountains out of mole hills. Every road block in trying to conceive with infertility to us feels like Mount Everest! We just need you to LISTEN. You can’t fix it. Don’t try. In trying to fix it you will probably just end up saying something that will hurt our already EXTREMELY fragile feelings. (And remember, that most of us are taking hormones which doesn’t help the emotional side of things.) We love you very much! And we need you and your support and understanding. Our infertility is not your fault and we do not blame you for our struggle. Please don’t take our bad days personally. We need you to be our cheerleader when we have successes and our shoulder when we have failures. We just need you to continue being the wonderful, loving family and friends that you have always been.
This was all “inspired” by the fact that today, for the second time in one week, I feel totally hopeless. I want to give up. And I haven’t totally decided not to as of yet. Why do I feel this way today? It’s as simple as a phone call. Yup, a phone call I was supposed to receive and didn’t. May seem insignificant to some of you…..but I am willing to bet that my infertile friends who may be reading this are nodding their heads right now saying, “I know what you mean.” You see, I was supposed to have a procedure last Friday. One that was going to be very painful and scary. One that I am worried about what the results of it may be. But because I am in the “infertile world”…..I was looking FORWARD to that. Well, because I have NO CONTROL over my stupid body, that procedure got cancelled. That was the first time this week I wanted to give up. When the procedure got cancelled my doctor’s nurse told me to call on Monday so we could reschedule. I did….and I got her voicemail. After no return call, I called again later and got her. She told me in this call she would talk to the doctor and call me back. She never did. I called again this morning (Tuesday) and again I got voicemail and AGAIN I have still not gotten a call back. Now again….I can see how to some of you this seems insignificant…..but this is my 3rd doctor in 2 months. The first one see’s no importance in the fact that I call him in hysterical tears because I am in so much pain on my period and blows me off and throws Percocet at me like it’s candy, I believe, just to “get me out of his hair”. The second one didn’t “believe” in PCOS, refused to test for or treat it and INSISTED on forcing me to attempt 6 rounds of Clomid even though I told him I have done 4 rounds and have never responded to it. Now, Dr. 3.….I have such hopes for. Had. I don’t know anymore. See, the no call back thing…..it just makes me feel like for the third time in two months I have hit a dead end. I have no power. The doctors have ALL the power. They have the prescription pad. And that they won’t even return a simple phone call makes me feel like no one will help me! There’s more back story……there’s the whole baby reading issue….ugh. That’s a story for another day. The summary is this……I have no power…..the doctors have all the power…..the doctors won’t help me……I feel totally defeated. End of story.
I guess I need to reveal to some of you that it has been our intent for the last few months to try to add to our family…..give Joey a sibling. Most of you know we’ve tried this before….for several years….and had to “give up” due to life’s little circumstances. Well, Joe is nearing the end of school and we are to a point that we can see our life returning to normalcy. Joey has been begging for a little brother or sister and Joe and I feel that this is a good time to attempt to make that wish come true for all of us as we are essentially “starting a whole new life” in a few short months.
Here is what I need to say…….
Infertility HURTS! I do not know any comparison that I can give you to explain what it feels like. There is NOTHING you can compare it to. And if you have never gone through it…..please, please don’t tell someone who is that you “understand”. Until you live it…..you will NEVER understand. All I can tell you are these things….. Every day I wake up and feel like a failure….like I am abnormal….like I am not a “real” girl…..like I am letting my husband and son down. I am a failure because no matter what I do, I cannot MAKE my body function “normally”. I am abnormal because my body doesn’t DO the things it was “designed” to do. I am not a “real” girl because I cannot naturally ovulate, have a period or conceive a child. And I am letting my husband and son down because I cannot give them the child/sibling they desire. I am the broken link in the chain. I look at my body in the mirror and wonder where I went wrong? Did I DO something to “break” it? I see physical characteristics that tell me “you are a girl”….but yet my body won’t ACT like a girl. This is VERY confusing.
I live my life cycle day to cycle day. Every morning that I wake up is a number to me. Today is 15. Some cycle days are more important to me than others. Cycle day one…..that’s the day I start my period. To those of us in the “infertile world” this is a day of either naive hope or overwhelming sorrow. Hope because it means the start of a new cycle….a new chance…a window of opportunity….a possibility that THIS will be THE cycle. Sorrow….well that’s obvious…..another cycle has passed that we yet again did not conceive. Cycle day 12ish through 20ish…..those are the days we pray for an egg. I wake up EVERY morning at 6:00 am, 7 days a week, NO MATTER WHAT, to take my temperature…..every day PRAYING for the blessed temperature dip and later sustained rise confirming I did in fact ovulate. For me, this has NEVER happened. I have NEVER seen it. Though month after month, cycle after cycle, I still plot these numbers faithfully and religiously on my chart. I pour over it for hours looking for patterns, looking for signs, looking for…..hope. It’s never there. Cycle day 28.….well, this is the day…..if we were “normal girls” that we would be preparing to take a pregnancy test (or sadly, preparing for our period to start again). Other days are important too…..depending on what you are going through. For those of us taking meds to force our bodies to ovulate….cycle days 3 - 7 or 5 - 9 are pretty exciting. (Yea, I said exciting.) Those are the days we get to take our pills! Our Clomid or Femara……whatever the drug of choice is for that particular cycle. Cycle days 12, 14, 16, etc……..follie checks (we call them)…..these are the days we go for vaginal (yup….up the coochie) ultrasounds to (hopefully) watch our eggies grow! Cycle day 21.….that’s the day we get (yes, GET) to do a blood test to confirm ovulation (or not). Notice the terminology throughout my explanation? Sadly, those of us in the “infertile world” LOOK FORWARD to every needle stick (blood test), every vaginal probing (ultrasounds), every doctor appointment, every phone call with test results, every pill we swallow, every injection we take……. We pee on sticks almost DAILY! Whether it be an ovulation predictor or pregnancy test. And we do this EXCITEDLY! We accost ourselves by personally checking our cervical position and cervical mucous on a daily basis! (I’m sure I don’t need to draw you a picture.) We do all of this happily, excitedly and with great diligence and faithfulness……all in the name of a baby we can only dream of. And every annovulatory cycle…..every negative progesterone draw…..every negative pregnancy test we die a little more inside. We lose a little more hope. We feel a little more like a failure and disappointment to our husbands.
And here is what I need to say to some of you specifically…..
To healthcare providers…. We are NOT numbers. We are not objects that fill a 15 minute slot in your day and add a little more cushion to your bank account. We are human beings just like you! We think, we feel, we hurt and we NEED YOUR HELP! We gladly add that “cushion to your bank account” because we NEED you. We need your knowledge, your education and your prescription pad. And we also need your time and compassion. We feel very isolated by our problems conceiving and we need someone like you who understands what we mean when we say we feel like we are “broken”. Aside from RE’s…..if you are a general practitioner or an OB/GYN……we need you to remember how much time you spent of your 12+ years of medical school on infertility treatment SPECIFICALLY. I have not attended medical school so I cannot say what portion of your education was focused on that. I have, however, been through nursing school and I know that relatively very little time was allotted to each specific disease process. I would venture a guess to be maybe one chapter in a textbook in the middle of your OB/GYN rotation. We need you to remember that those of us in the “infertile world” have researched and studied NOTHING BUT infertility and it’s treatments for as long as we have been infertile. For me, that is 9 years. We read every article we can find on the internet, every book we can get our hands on, we participate in support groups and message boards where we get information from a sampling of thousands of girls seeing thousands of doctors all around the world! We know infertility and it’s treatments like the backs of our hands! I have never been through IVF but I can tell you the medications, protocol, risks, success rates, etc. as though I am reciting my address and phone number. We need you to trust the knowledge we have acquired. WE LIVE INFERTILITY. We also need you to realize and remember that above and beyond ALL ELSE…..we KNOW our bodies. We have lived with them a lifetime. We know every twitch, twinge, cramp, flutter, pain and spasm and of those WE know what is normal for us and what is not. You see “our bodies” in roughly 15 minute increments once or twice a month (if you are seeing us for infertility)…..we live with our bodies 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Trust us when we say we know something is abnormal for our body. Trust us when we suggest something we would like to try. Don’t let us hurt ourselves…..but give the knowledge we have acquired about infertility and the time we have spent with our own bodies the benefit of the doubt. One last thing…. We need you to remember that WE LIVE INFERTILITY…..every day is a cycle day to us. Every day we hope means we are a little closer to holding our precious baby in our hands. Every appointment and test and medication we pray is getting us one step closer to fulfilling our dream. We know you are very busy and you see lots of patients ….but honestly, those patients don’t matter to us in our quest to overcome infertility. When you (or one of your office staff) say you are going to call us to give us a test result or schedule a procedure, etc on a certain day or at a certain time……we are sitting next to the phone staring at it and begging it to ring. Our ENTIRE DAY is centered around awaiting your call. We post on our message boards that we are waiting to hear from you……our friends ask us a hundred times if you have called us yet……we blow off other calls to keep the line clear for you. The entire journey of infertility is all about WAITING…..waiting for a period, waiting to ovulate, waiting to take a pregnancy test, waiting for a procedure, waiting for a doctor appointment, waiting for a test result…..waiting, waiting, waiting……. Please, PLEASE don’t make us wait for a call you (or your staff) is never going to place. If we are supposed to hear from you for whatever reason…..please call (or assign a staff member to call…..and make SURE they do it) as early as possible.
Next, to well-meaning family members and friends of the infertile… I need to tell you the same thing…..those of us in the “infertile world” LIVE INFERTILITY! Do not tell us to “be patient…it will happen in it’s own time or when it is supposed to”. Do not tell us to “quit thinking about it and it will happen”. Do not tell us for the hundredth time the story of your best friend’s sister who went through 10 years of infertility treatments and finally gave up and started the adoption process and whaddya know?!?!? she turned up pregnant!! We are NOT your best friend’s sister and we don’t plan on giving up on conceiving our own child right now. Just “not thinking about it” isn’t going to make my ANNOVULATORY body MIRACULOUSLY ovulate! And as far as being patient…..we are some of THE most patient people you will ever know! (see above message to healthcare providers) All we are ever doing is WAITING. What we need from you is a shoulder to cry on sometimes and for all you to do is pat us on the back and tell us you hurt for us. Don’t tell us you understand…..you don’t. Don’t tell us that for some reason the timing just isn’t right and it will be better some other time. Don’t ask us every other week if we are pregnant yet. Don’t try to convince us when we are angry with our doctors that they know best. We need you to remember that this is a situation in which we have NO control. We have no control over our bodies or how they are functioning. We have no control over WHEN we will get to add to our families. And unless we are one of the lucky one’s with a doctor who LISTENS to us……we get VERY LITTLE control over our treatment. We are going to have bad days…..days when we feel more frustrated or defeated than others. Be patient with us. And when we are upset because a doctor did not call us back when he said he would……remember, to us, that IS devastating. Do not belittle our frustrations and make us feel as though we are making mountains out of mole hills. Every road block in trying to conceive with infertility to us feels like Mount Everest! We just need you to LISTEN. You can’t fix it. Don’t try. In trying to fix it you will probably just end up saying something that will hurt our already EXTREMELY fragile feelings. (And remember, that most of us are taking hormones which doesn’t help the emotional side of things.) We love you very much! And we need you and your support and understanding. Our infertility is not your fault and we do not blame you for our struggle. Please don’t take our bad days personally. We need you to be our cheerleader when we have successes and our shoulder when we have failures. We just need you to continue being the wonderful, loving family and friends that you have always been.
This was all “inspired” by the fact that today, for the second time in one week, I feel totally hopeless. I want to give up. And I haven’t totally decided not to as of yet. Why do I feel this way today? It’s as simple as a phone call. Yup, a phone call I was supposed to receive and didn’t. May seem insignificant to some of you…..but I am willing to bet that my infertile friends who may be reading this are nodding their heads right now saying, “I know what you mean.” You see, I was supposed to have a procedure last Friday. One that was going to be very painful and scary. One that I am worried about what the results of it may be. But because I am in the “infertile world”…..I was looking FORWARD to that. Well, because I have NO CONTROL over my stupid body, that procedure got cancelled. That was the first time this week I wanted to give up. When the procedure got cancelled my doctor’s nurse told me to call on Monday so we could reschedule. I did….and I got her voicemail. After no return call, I called again later and got her. She told me in this call she would talk to the doctor and call me back. She never did. I called again this morning (Tuesday) and again I got voicemail and AGAIN I have still not gotten a call back. Now again….I can see how to some of you this seems insignificant…..but this is my 3rd doctor in 2 months. The first one see’s no importance in the fact that I call him in hysterical tears because I am in so much pain on my period and blows me off and throws Percocet at me like it’s candy, I believe, just to “get me out of his hair”. The second one didn’t “believe” in PCOS, refused to test for or treat it and INSISTED on forcing me to attempt 6 rounds of Clomid even though I told him I have done 4 rounds and have never responded to it. Now, Dr. 3.….I have such hopes for. Had. I don’t know anymore. See, the no call back thing…..it just makes me feel like for the third time in two months I have hit a dead end. I have no power. The doctors have ALL the power. They have the prescription pad. And that they won’t even return a simple phone call makes me feel like no one will help me! There’s more back story……there’s the whole baby reading issue….ugh. That’s a story for another day. The summary is this……I have no power…..the doctors have all the power…..the doctors won’t help me……I feel totally defeated. End of story.
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